i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
