If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
