this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
