Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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