i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
