Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
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