I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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