and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
