Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Randomize