On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
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