so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Randomize
