Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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