I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
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