i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
