Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Randomize
