The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
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