I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
