I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Randomize
