do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
