im six kinds of drunk right now
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
