i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
