dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Just pee around me
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
