The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
