I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
