...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
