all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
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