woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
