Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
