Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
