Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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