You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
