booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
