It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
