pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
