Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
please don't ironically join a cult
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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