God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I forget how to act sober
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