She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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