I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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