I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
