DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
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