Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize