I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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