You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
