Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize