You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
