the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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