You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
thus making me awesome and them whores
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Randomize
