I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
