my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
