I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
