I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Small penises have feelings too.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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