My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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