i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Randomize
