I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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