I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
