I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Randomize
