I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
