Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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